Friday, January 21, 2011

Oh, Brother

So about a bajillion years ago, I made a reference to a hysterical pregnancy I was having and then never came back to talk about it.  I meant to, I swear that I did, but getting into all that detail started feeling overwhelming and then time passed and I had more current things to mention plus still didn't really want to Get Into All That Crap so I just... avoided it. 

Except that... well, it's really becoming a huge part of my life, so now NOT talking about it here is just distracting me from posting at all and thus completely undermining the point of even having a blog.

So...  for starters, let's just be one hundred percent clear here and make it known that this is NOT one of those posts where I reveal that, Suprise!!! I'm pregnant!!! and it was easy and perfectly timed and oh so speshul.  Because I'm not, and it isn't and dammit, I'm getting pissed off.

I desperately want another baby.  I want Eli to be a big brother.  I would love for him to have a little brother.  I would love for him to have a little sister.  I want him to have a sibling and I want to have children, not child.  We've always wanted more than one, talked about it from day one, wondered what kind of a brother Eli would be... We thought we had it all planned out.

Back in June we attended a family wedding, at which we were told (rather covertly so as not to spoil anyone's big day) that one of my cousins was expecting her first baby.  And I ooohed and awwwed and felt simultaneously excited for the new addition and jealous that I wasn't the one having a baby, even though my own baby was not quite six months old.  As in, still very much a tiny, helpless baby in need of round the clock care. 

The idea of adding another one already appealed to me but I kept my mouth closed because Pete and I had talked prior to Eli's birth and decided that we'd revisit the second kid idea when the baby turned one.  But on the way home from the wedding, I was lost in my own thoughts of baby names and breastfeeding and clumsy toddler kisses on newborn faces.

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one, because half-way home, Pete spoke up and said he wanted another baby too.  Hooray!  And various other joyful exclamations!  Eli was actually conceived on my first cycle after many years of birth control, so this was practically a done deal, right?

Wrong.  We started officially "trying" in August and it soon became apparent that whatever sort of magic was happening when we got lucky the first time had up and left the building.  A few weeks of late periods and negative tests started making me think I was either a) The Crazy Lady with the Hysterical Pregnancy or b) The Oblivious Lady on TLC Who Needs To Be Schooled On Proper Use of A Pee-Stick. 

Careful consideration, along with some unearthing of half-forgotten biology made me realize that my cycles weren't just "long" or "kind of weird" or "messing with my head".  They were actually, in all likelyhood, completely anovulatory.   As in, not ovulating. (and therefore no baby).  As in, try all you want but ain't no chance you'll score a goal without a puck.  As in, SNOWBALLS CHANCE IN HELL.  I took up charting my basal body temperature, which has confirmed that no ovulation is taking place and also uncovered some evidence that there might be a thyroid issue.  We continue to try but with no real hope that things will jump start themselves.

And it's been that way since.  I've seen my doctor, who hmm'd and haw'd thoughtfully before ordering some blood tests that didn't really go anywhere.  I was on a waiting list to see and OB/Gyn but the guy ended up being way too far away, so I got a new referral faxed to a reproductive endocrinologist (baby makin' doctor) nearby and have an appointment next week. 

I know that really, six months is not very long.  And if I was ovulating and having regular cycles, I wouldn't be feeling like I do know or consulting a doctor.  But there is a difference between having everything in working order and it just not being our month, and blindly trying for another six months when half the team is on the bench.

So, that's where we are now.  We'll hopefully be getting to the bottom of the issue in the next few months.  And in the end, there will most likely be a baby, which is the most important thing.

No comments:

Post a Comment